Well, all the tests are back and it is official, I am now allergic to meat. Thank you Lone Star tick, you little bastard.
If you don't know what in the hell I'm talking about, Google "alpha-gal."
I'm happy to know I'm not a nutcase (regarding this issue; I am very aware that I am, in fact, mostly crazy).
It has long been my rule that if it lived in water at any time, it does not go on my plate. Clearly, I'm going to have to reassess. Yesterday I had chocolate pie for breakfast. This doesn't seem like a good long-term plan.
Friday, September 27, 2013
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
I know best.
You know how when you know what's best for someone else, but they won't do what you say? Think of this post as a public service announcement. Some of us know exactly what the fuck we are talking about. You should listen. Case in point:
My mom wanted to borrow a book from me. Reasons this was a bad idea:
1. I hate lending my books.
2. I knew she wouldn't like it.
3. I hate lending my books.
I tried to tell her. She insisted.
Me: You won't like that one.
Mom: Why do you say that? It sounds good.
Me: She's too dark. You are not going to like that book. Plus, there are lesbians.
Mom: *huffy* You think I don't like gay people?
Me: I think you are going to hate that book, and probably lose it, and I HAVEN'T EVEN READ IT YET.
Mom: I'll bring it back. I'll even bring back the other one I borrowed. (THIS. This is why I hate lending books.)
I'm finally like, "Take the damn book. But I want it and any other books back in a reasonable amount of time or I'm fining you." (I didn't really say that. But that's a good idea.)
Anyway. A day or so later she brings it back with this horrible look on her face and says, "Here. I can't read this. It's just...it's too...this book isn't good."
I'm intrigued. I knew she wouldn't enjoy it, but if anything, I expected her to start it, forget about it, and me find it under her bed a year from now. The fact that she brought it back holding it out like it was going to bite her was a little confusing to me.
So I started it last night. Holy shit. Guys. I let my mom borrow a book in which the first two chapters include not only steamy lesbian sex, but a strap-on dildo, and extremely detailed descriptions of some rather creative pairings, such as unicorn-on-human. (That might should be human-on-unicorn. I'm not really clear on this.)
I think this may have cured her of borrowing my stuff.
(I told her she wouldn't like it.)
My mom wanted to borrow a book from me. Reasons this was a bad idea:
1. I hate lending my books.
2. I knew she wouldn't like it.
3. I hate lending my books.
I tried to tell her. She insisted.
Me: You won't like that one.
Mom: Why do you say that? It sounds good.
Me: She's too dark. You are not going to like that book. Plus, there are lesbians.
Mom: *huffy* You think I don't like gay people?
Me: I think you are going to hate that book, and probably lose it, and I HAVEN'T EVEN READ IT YET.
Mom: I'll bring it back. I'll even bring back the other one I borrowed. (THIS. This is why I hate lending books.)
I'm finally like, "Take the damn book. But I want it and any other books back in a reasonable amount of time or I'm fining you." (I didn't really say that. But that's a good idea.)
Anyway. A day or so later she brings it back with this horrible look on her face and says, "Here. I can't read this. It's just...it's too...this book isn't good."
I'm intrigued. I knew she wouldn't enjoy it, but if anything, I expected her to start it, forget about it, and me find it under her bed a year from now. The fact that she brought it back holding it out like it was going to bite her was a little confusing to me.
So I started it last night. Holy shit. Guys. I let my mom borrow a book in which the first two chapters include not only steamy lesbian sex, but a strap-on dildo, and extremely detailed descriptions of some rather creative pairings, such as unicorn-on-human. (That might should be human-on-unicorn. I'm not really clear on this.)
I think this may have cured her of borrowing my stuff.
(I told her she wouldn't like it.)
Tuesday, September 10, 2013
Can you have dementia at 33?
This morning I had to go to town, which always sucks, and I had to talk to not only my son's doctor but also my therapist, who is amazingly insightful and very, very good at what she does. This is a recipe for disaster. I've threatened to fire the woman numerous times because she is that good. Anyway, I went, I did what I was supposed to do, yay me.
On the way home, I was hurting really bad (because I didn't take my meds this morning because I was driving my kid *pats self on back*) so I dug out my medicine and tried to swallow and then realized I did not have a drink. So I choked on the nasty little pill, and then started thinking that my esophagus must not be normal sized, and I was going to stop breathing, and wasn't it ironic that I was going to die in a car accident while choking on a pill that is supposed to make me feel better.
This is the kind of crazy we're dealing with here, people. I eventually found an extra-strength 5-hour energy drink in my purse and drank that so I wouldn't choke to death. Then my purse fell off the seat, exposing the full bottle of water I had just gotten in town less than five minutes before this whole debacle.
Now I am alive, which is good, not too worried about my esophagus, which is also good, but quite a bit wound up, which could be either good or bad. I think we should all probably be thankful that my husband still refuses to let me have a blow torch.
On the way home, I was hurting really bad (because I didn't take my meds this morning because I was driving my kid *pats self on back*) so I dug out my medicine and tried to swallow and then realized I did not have a drink. So I choked on the nasty little pill, and then started thinking that my esophagus must not be normal sized, and I was going to stop breathing, and wasn't it ironic that I was going to die in a car accident while choking on a pill that is supposed to make me feel better.
This is the kind of crazy we're dealing with here, people. I eventually found an extra-strength 5-hour energy drink in my purse and drank that so I wouldn't choke to death. Then my purse fell off the seat, exposing the full bottle of water I had just gotten in town less than five minutes before this whole debacle.
Now I am alive, which is good, not too worried about my esophagus, which is also good, but quite a bit wound up, which could be either good or bad. I think we should all probably be thankful that my husband still refuses to let me have a blow torch.
Wednesday, September 4, 2013
Unwilling vegan
I am SO UPSET.
I ate this:
And then THIS happened:
Then, I ate this:
Please see above picture of itchy red me.
I have almost died four times in the last two weeks. I may be exaggerating a little. But maybe not. It's been bad. Wtf, y'all, is this even legal?? I am on an all Pop Tart and coffee diet until further notice.
I ate this:
And then THIS happened:
Then, I ate this:
Please see above picture of itchy red me.
I have almost died four times in the last two weeks. I may be exaggerating a little. But maybe not. It's been bad. Wtf, y'all, is this even legal?? I am on an all Pop Tart and coffee diet until further notice.
Monday, August 26, 2013
Obviously, I failed Home Ec.
Bundt
Pan Vs. Angel Food Cake Pan
by Kristen Fisher from Ehow
Uses
o
While the two cake
pans look similar, they should not be
used interchangeably. Bundt cake
batter and angel food cake batter have different consistencies. Angel food cake batter is usually frothier; baking a Bundt cake in an angel food pan
may cause the batter to leak out from the removable bottom.
P.S. I
didn’t know what to do at that point – I mean, the house was already full of
smoke, so….I decided to finish baking the monkey bread. I did not know this was even possible, but
the burners on my stove actually filled with liquid and started smoking. My kids are yelling at me for taking
pictures. I’m so glad my husband is not
home.
P.P.S.
Why is my smoke detector that goes off every time I make toast not going
off when there is literally a black cloud over the whole kitchen and half the
house?
P.P.P.S.
Do you think the monkey bread is going to taste bad?
Saturday, August 24, 2013
Hmm. And here I thought I was just an asshole.
I saw this on FB yesterday and decided it was a must-do. Turns out, I’m not an asshole.
I’m an introvert. Take the quiz, maybe you’re not an asshole either!
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/08/20/introverts-signs-am-i-introverted_n_3721431.html?ncid=edlinkusaolp00000009
Not sure if you’re an innie or an outie? See if any of these
23 telltale signs of introversion apply to you.
1. You find small talk incredibly cumbersome.
Yes. But I thought I was just not that friendly.
2. You go to parties - but not to meet people.
Why on earth would I want to talk to strangers? If I go to a party it’s because someone
talked me into it, probably using words like “free beer.”
3. You often feel alone in a crowd.
I often feel like I need to get away from crowds.
4. Networking makes you feel like a phony.
Because it is phony.
5. You’ve been called "too intense.”
Not to my face.
6. You’re easily distracted.
Considering I’m supposed to be doing my real job right now,
I’d say that’s a yes.
7. Downtime doesn’t feel unproductive to you.
What is this “downtime” you speak of?
8. Giving a talk in front of 500 people is less stressful than having to mingle with those people
afterwards.
I guess so. Both sound super sucky.
9. When you get on the subway, you sit at the end of the bench – not in the middle.
Supposing I ever decided to ride a giant speeding train propelled through tunnels underground by God knows what power, yes, I guess I probably would sit at the end of the bench. I like to have an exit handy. Just in case.
10. You start to shut down after you’ve been active for too long.
Oh yeah. It takes me a full day to recover after a trip to the grocery store.
11. You’re in a relationship with an extrovert.
He’s crazy. Don’t listen to anything he tells you.
12. You’d rather be an expert at one thing than try to do everything.
I dunno….I like to be good at things….this one’s too hard. Pass.
13. You actively avoid any shows that might involve audience participation.
You have got to be fucking kidding me. Doesn’t everyone?
14. You screen all your calls — even from friends.
Sorry, guys. Read the article. I’m not an asshole. It’s a syndrome, or something.
15. You notice details that others don’t.
Huh?
16. You have a constantly running interior monologue.
I like to hear myself think.
17. You have low blood pressure.
Yes. My blood pressure is super chill.
18. You’ve been called an “old soul” -– since your 20s.
Again, not to my face.
19. You don’t feel “high” from your surroundings
Do people actually do this? I thought that’s why we all partied so much in our 20s?
20. You look at the big picture.
I look at all the pictures.
21. You’ve been told to “come out of your shell.”
I’ve been trying to tell people that I’m shy for years. No one listens.
22. You’re a writer.
That seems a little extreme.
23. You alternate between phases of work and solitude, and periods of social activity.
**This is where I stopped. I feel like you’re prying. Please stop asking me these questions, or I’m going to have to go home.
***I would never actually say that to someone. (Because I’d already be in the car.)
I’m an introvert. Take the quiz, maybe you’re not an asshole either!
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/08/20/introverts-signs-am-i-introverted_n_3721431.html?ncid=edlinkusaolp00000009
Not sure if you’re an innie or an outie? See if any of these
23 telltale signs of introversion apply to you.
1. You find small talk incredibly cumbersome.
Yes. But I thought I was just not that friendly.
2. You go to parties - but not to meet people.
Why on earth would I want to talk to strangers? If I go to a party it’s because someone
talked me into it, probably using words like “free beer.”
3. You often feel alone in a crowd.
I often feel like I need to get away from crowds.
4. Networking makes you feel like a phony.
Because it is phony.
5. You’ve been called "too intense.”
Not to my face.
6. You’re easily distracted.
Considering I’m supposed to be doing my real job right now,
I’d say that’s a yes.
7. Downtime doesn’t feel unproductive to you.
What is this “downtime” you speak of?
8. Giving a talk in front of 500 people is less stressful than having to mingle with those people
afterwards.
I guess so. Both sound super sucky.
9. When you get on the subway, you sit at the end of the bench – not in the middle.
Supposing I ever decided to ride a giant speeding train propelled through tunnels underground by God knows what power, yes, I guess I probably would sit at the end of the bench. I like to have an exit handy. Just in case.
10. You start to shut down after you’ve been active for too long.
Oh yeah. It takes me a full day to recover after a trip to the grocery store.
11. You’re in a relationship with an extrovert.
He’s crazy. Don’t listen to anything he tells you.
12. You’d rather be an expert at one thing than try to do everything.
I dunno….I like to be good at things….this one’s too hard. Pass.
13. You actively avoid any shows that might involve audience participation.
You have got to be fucking kidding me. Doesn’t everyone?
14. You screen all your calls — even from friends.
Sorry, guys. Read the article. I’m not an asshole. It’s a syndrome, or something.
15. You notice details that others don’t.
Huh?
16. You have a constantly running interior monologue.
I like to hear myself think.
17. You have low blood pressure.
Yes. My blood pressure is super chill.
18. You’ve been called an “old soul” -– since your 20s.
Again, not to my face.
19. You don’t feel “high” from your surroundings
Do people actually do this? I thought that’s why we all partied so much in our 20s?
20. You look at the big picture.
I look at all the pictures.
21. You’ve been told to “come out of your shell.”
I’ve been trying to tell people that I’m shy for years. No one listens.
22. You’re a writer.
That seems a little extreme.
23. You alternate between phases of work and solitude, and periods of social activity.
**This is where I stopped. I feel like you’re prying. Please stop asking me these questions, or I’m going to have to go home.
***I would never actually say that to someone. (Because I’d already be in the car.)
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